There is only today

There is no anniversary, it’s not her birthday, it is no special occasion fraught with memories. It’s just a day, like any other, yet my heart is breaking more than ever. Not quite sure why I’m feeling the need for mommy-love, well my chaotic life maybe, but I am aching with need to be held and to be able to just talk to her.

It’s odd, we had a fairly crappy relationship – always butting heads because we were two peas in a pod. Both stubborn, loud, always-right kind of people never willing to bend. It wasn’t like we shared deep dark secrets, we didn’t call each other up on a daily basis or even a weekly basis. Maybe that’s it – I miss the chance to have that kind of relationship with her.

As I get older and reflect on our relationship – we fought (both verbally and physically), we passed out the silent treatment, we judged, we manipulated – still she was mom, and I knew that I could count on her if things got tough. They’re tough now, mom and I wish you were here. I so wish you were here. I’m in need of a hug and to feel you holding me as I cry about all the things I’m struggling with.

There is only today – this theme runs through my head because it has popped up in reading other peoples blogs. There is only today, if you don’t do it today, you may not be able to do it tomorrow. There is only today, if you don’t try something you’ve wanted to do, it may be too late to try tomorrow. Today is the day to kiss the baby, today is the day to be thankful that I can go to work – despite wanting to stay home and just be sick; today is the day to be happy in what the day brings, today is the day to DO what I’ve been wanting to do, whatever that is.

So I write. And I will read, and reread, to remind myself, that there is only today.