To my daughter

As your daughter’s birthday gets closer, I’m reminded how much it took to get her here. Two years ago we were beginning the process of keeping her in the womb a little bit longer. Visits with your doctor, trips to the hospital, shots, to finally a sleep over for two weeks while you struggled to hold her in for just one more day. I remember the family coming to see you, visiting your hospital room instead of showing up for a baby shower. I remember how you shivered with cold, and how kind the nurses were bringing you heated blankets to break the chill the magnesium gave you.

It was hard watching you lie there and know I could do nothing. This was your path to walk. I can’t imagine how hard it was to be in that bed as the date of your son’s birth and death came and went, uncelebrated. Most of the day you had to be alone with your thoughts, because I had no choice but to work. And you were only 16. So much heartache already.

I could talk about all the things I’ve gone through, compare my convulted steps to yours. But this is not about that, this is about me, telling you how I feel. My heart hurts for you darling. And though our friendship is broken, the love remains. I can not fix your life, or take away this brokeness from you, though I wish I could. I would take it all from you, but it’s not possible.

I seem angry often I know, but it’s not at you. It’s at how much you’ve lost, how much we’ve lost. It’s anger at the fact that I’ve lost a daughter and seem incapable of forging a new relationship from the old. Alright, truth be told I AM angry at you. Angry that you still have not made your path easier. I see nothing but more tears and bad memories ahead for you. I’m angry that our family has changed. Even angry sometimes that my life has completely changed. But I am thankful too.

You are my daughter, my precious love. Nothing will change that. I hoard the sweet memories of your baby smell, dancing to songs only you could hear, the childish giggles and teenage laughs. You are forever in my heart and no one can take your place. I am ever here for you in my heart. The future may make it impossible to be there physically, but I will never let you go.

Thank you for your daughter, for in her I see so much of you. She is very much her mother’s daughter.

May your path become smooth, the world around you sweeter, the life you live full of only good choices. Thank you for all that you have given me. I will strive to remember that and to make my love for you more apparent.

Be well, be safe, be loved my daughter. My first and most precious child.

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